Battle City Mania!
by harinezumiko
Summary: It's pay-per-view time at Kaiba Championship Wrestling!  Mokuba Kaiba takes on The Tombkeeper in a no-holds-barred match to defend his title, but it looks like he's about to be upstaged...


**Author's note:**

This fic was kind of a dare, but I ended up loving the pro-wrestling AU so much I've demanded Higurazel take it further (he'll do it so much better). This is the result of a crash-course in research and I'm sure I've got most of the details wrong, but now I'm out of time. Maybe once the contest's over I'll ask Higurazel to beta it so I can do it a bit more justice.

There's a ton of references in here, so all the disclaimers in the world, I own nothing, yadda yadda, but PM me if you want to know any details. Also, since I'm dealing with pro-wrestling tropes, some may find parts offensive - this fic contains cartoon violence, casual sexism and racism, some mild swears and religious stuff.

So... Have a good laugh at my expense, okay? :D

**Battle City Mania**

As the cheers and applause died down, Donny "Rex" Raptor removed his monogrammed cowboy hat to fan himself with it, letting a long-drawn-out whistle escape into the microphone. "Sure did get hot in here all of a sudden," he grinned, angling his head to his companion at the table. "Must be why the Glamazons chose to wear those skimpy outfits, huh?"

Rex's co-commentator, Will Underwood, responded with a smirk. "Seems to me you might be getting cause and effect muddled again, Rex." He tapped the green biro he was holding lightly against the surface of the table, checking his notes. "But it's about to get a whole lot hotter. It's time for the main event here at the Kaibadome."

"So it is, Will." Lights began flickering over the filled bleachers, and Rex had to speak louder over the excited audience, a practiced patter that stopped just shy of shouting. "And I can't remember a bigger event in KCW's history. The Tombkeeper, bent on a path of revenge against the King of Games, has been destroying literally everything in his way."

"Everything in his way," agreed Will. "Big Joe Wheeler took away a concussion and two cracked ribs for his troubles last week, and now the owner of the Company, Seto Kaiba himself, has put his own brother in The Tombkeeper's warpath."

Frenzied chords accompanied the sudden flaring of torches along the walkway to the ring, signalling the arrival of the first combatant. Video screens displayed shaky footage of a moodily lit gold sarcophagus, backed by stone carvings, soon replaced by the image of a well-muscled back. The black wings of his tattoo seemed to take off to fill the screen, letters of fire spelling out the alias to the accompaniment of a disembodied voice. "Weighing in at 235 pounds, Malik Ishtar, The Tombkeeper!" The voice dragged out the vowels for emphasis.

"This is a hardcore match, folks," Rex confirmed as a purple-cloaked figure strode purposefully toward the ring, stopping to pick up a flaming torch. "Seto Kaiba has confirmed that nothing, absolutely nada, is off limits."

"It looks like The Tombkeeper's taking him up on that, Rex." There was an urgency in Will's voice, underpinned with a violent delight. "Look at him setting that rope on fire. He's a fiend in human form, an ancient beast risen to wreak ruin in this very ring." The Tombkeeper stared out from under his hood, eyes lined with bright blue streaks, teeth bared in feral semblance of a smile, still holding the sputtering torch.

The announcer continued, the music shifting to a brighter, more electronic vibe. A smaller figure than the previous wrestler hopped out, punching the air in time with the drum beats, stopping to high-five a fan. The white feathers around the lapels of his red coat fluttered as he moved. "The challenger, weighing 177 pounds, Legacy, Mokuba Kaiba!" The video screens showed a clip show, the man grinning mischievously through gappy teeth as he charged around the ring, leaping gleefully off a ladder, or being thrown bodily onto a barbed-wire-wrapped plank.

"It's a good thing Mokuba Kaiba's no stranger to pain," Rex continued, almost sadly. "He's going to need all his endurance in this fight. I hate to say it, but he's facing a demon tonight." In the ring, The Tombkeeper discarded his cloak, flexing oiled biceps as he watched the smaller man approach. He wore loose gold and cream shorts, pleated and belted to give a wraparound effect, a mockery of the historical style. The fiery rope cast flickering shadows at his feet.

"Pure evil," Will added with a deferential hush as the music faded out, anticipation filling the arena. "I can't count the number of bodies The Tombkeeper has crushed on his way here."

"And title hopes, he's crushed those too." Rex's tone of voice indicated that this was just as serious a matter. "Mokuba Kaiba's the current holder of the KCW World Championship belt, and there's many a man wanted a shot at that here tonight. No higher honour in the Company."

Mokuba kissed the belt before raising it proudly on display. He turned a full circle, to an appreciative roar from the audience, before setting it and the long red coat aside and diving under the rope into the ring.

"The Tombkeeper's in a mean mood tonight," Will continued. "Look at his eyes, Rex. He's mad with the insane bloodlust. Legacy's not paying him enough attention and he's going to pay – Oh! The Tombkeeper slams Legacy across the chest with the flaming torch! He's not holding back, using weapons so early on, and Legacy's reeling from that fierce blow!"

"He's smart on his feet though, Mokuba Kaiba, and he doesn't fall… My god, I think he's going to… yes… Legacy's going to try to disarm The Tombkeeper! He's wrenching The Tombkeeper's arm, twisting it, you can see the pain in the madman's face, that's got to be a really nasty stretch with their height difference, and yes, he's dropped the torch."

"The Tombkeeper's hands are like claws, Rex, the talons all twisted, but is that a smile I see on his face? He's enjoying this, Rex, the sick bastard! Can you imagine what's going on in his head right now?"

"He needs therapy, Will, I can tell you that. Mokuba Kaiba kicks the torch out of the ring and the distraction's enough, The Tombkeeper sweeps Legacy's legs out from under him and he's down!" Rex was really having to shout now, voice hoarsely excited over the baying of the crowd.

"And The Tombkeeper flattens him with an elbow drop! Legacy's convulsing, The Tombkeeper may well have cracked another rib, and Seto Kaiba will be saying goodbye to his little brother on a hospital gurney tonight. I hope to high heaven it doesn't happen, but it's not looking good here, The Tombkeeper might well be the end of Mokuba Kaiba."

"I wouldn't speak too soon, Will. Mokuba Kaiba's a tough guy, he's been through a lot, I don't think we've seen the last of him yet." Sure enough, the black-haired man struggled to his knees, shaking his head as if to clear it. The Tombkeeper turned his attention to the audience, eyes wide and bulging, tongue lolling out. "That's a man with a very severe illness, right there. One of our lovely ring girls should get him a glass of water and an aspirin."

"A severe case of the living dead," said Will, ghoulishly. "And I don't want to think about what he'd do if a lovely lady came within reach. I'd fear for her life and virtue."

"Mokuba Kaiba's up, and he's charging at The Tombkeeper and that's a powerful headbutt he's got, but it's not going to be enough against the demonic strength of The Tombkeeper. He's trying to push The Tombkeeper into that burning rope, and if he can do it…"

"He can't, Rex, he can't. The Tombkeeper's got Legacy's head under his arm now, and that's a vertical suplex, but there's no room here at the edge of the ring and oh my god, Legacy's legs just bounced right off that fiery rope."

"His trousers are on fire Will, do you see that? There's fire and smoke and…"

"Yes I see it, and he's rolling and patting the flames out, and his hands must be blistering something awful right now. How can one man be this cruel? What drives this monster?"

"Revenge, Will, pure and simple, and ain't nothing going to stop him now short of God himself."

"Or a swift kick to the nether regions… Is that allowed, Rex? Even in a hardcore match that's got to be illegal."

"Well there's no referee going to get between these two now, Will."

"No referee, maybe, but here's The Tombkeeper's guardian coming down to the ring, Rishid Ishtar, all seven foot of him. They say the tattoos on his face are the only thing that can control The Tombkeeper and I do hope he's on our side tonight."

"It sure doesn't look like it. He's in the ring now, that's interference, folks, and Mokuba Kaiba's just thrown himself out of there. What's he doing? He's going under the ring… He's got a steel chair… Is Rishid Ishtar even going to know what's hit him?"

"That chair just slammed Rishid Ishtar right in the chest, Rex, and not a sign of emotion on his face. He's an automaton!"

"Twice now and Rishid Ishtar's still standing. Look at the confusion on Mokuba Kaiba's face. But he's going in for a third try and oh my god Rishid Ishtar has Mokuba Kaiba by the neck and he's going to throw him right out of the ring."

"This is unbelievable. Rishid Ishtar just slammed Legacy right through that table. The Spanish announce team just got a new table and it's destroyed. Is Legacy moving? Is he still alive? Seto Kaiba has to come down here and stop this catastrophe. It's Armageddon down here."

"I think it's about to be, Will. Mokuba Kaiba's got a lot of friends here, and some of them are getting real ugly. Look at them lining up outside the ring. What's that, what are they holding? There's chairs, and planks, and a barb wire wrapped boxing glove… one guy's even got a bicycle. Where on earth did he get that bicycle? I sure don't know. I don't want to know where he's going to put it, either."

"Who's that, Rex? She doesn't look like one of Legacy's gang. She's masked. It could be anyone under there." Will squinted at the curvaceous woman in the long cream dress, a matching veil and headdress obscuring her face. "I hope she brought aspirin, whoever she is. She's heading into the ring! She's a braver soul than even our own referees. What does she think she is doing? And how does she manage to be that graceful amid this chaos?"

"Mokuba Kaiba's moving," Rex's voice cut in. "He's going to be just fine. If he has any sense he'll just walk away."

"He's a Kaiba, Rex. He can't walk away. He has to finish what he started. He's dragging himself back in now, you can just see the exhaustion on his face, and the sweat rolling off him, he's nearly beaten but he'll keep on trying until he passes out or dies, and that's a real possibility here tonight."

"But he won't hit a girl, Will, and the mysterious woman is blocking Mokuba Kaiba's way to The Tombkeeper, and they're all just standing there while Mokuba Kaiba wipes the blood from his face, he's going to need stitches and it won't be pretty."

"It's all go here tonight, life and death at the Kaibadome, and here's Seto Kaiba himself, our illustrious owner, making his way to the ring."

"He doesn't look happy. And we know Seto Kaiba will hit a girl. He allowed women to challenge him for the championship back when he still competed, and very forward-thinking of him it was too, KCW offers equal opportunities folks, and it looks like he's going to slap this mystery woman."

One heavily buckled arm reaching out from beneath the studded coat, Kaiba moved as if to strike, instead swiping the veil from across the woman's face. She didn't flinch.

"Isis Ishtar," announced Kaiba into his microphone, his voice dripping contempt. "The Tombkeeper's sister, and manager." The audience dutifully booed. "You've been pulling his strings all along, haven't you?"

When she spoke, her voice was heavily accented, but strong. "I admit, I have been playing. With him, and with you."

"With me?" The shocked expression gave way to scorn. "You have a high opinion of yourself, Isis. Let me be the one to bring you down a peg or two."

"Don't forget, Kaiba." Not a hint of humour showed in her face. "I made this company, whether you like it or not. I gave you The Tombkeeper." She gestured to the behemoth standing behind her, face twisted beyond recognition. "And I gave you Obelisk, the finishing move that made your career, and that of your brother's."

"Don't listen to her, Mokuba," Seto Kaiba jerked his head in the direction of his brother, who was still breathing heavily, leaning against the padded turnbuckles at the corner of the ring, occasionally lurching forward slightly. "Obelisk is my move. I made it my own." He jabbed his thumb against his chest, fixing his cold blue eyes on Ishizu.

"Is that so? Then I'd like to see you use it, if I may."

"Is that a challenge?" Kaiba's thin smile widened, hungrily.

"It is." Isis inclined her head with poise.

"Then bring it on!" Kaiba writhed out of the heavy coat, handing it and the microphone to Mokuba. The audience screamed with glee.

Back at the commentators' table, Rex choked down a hoot. "I can't believe this, Will. Not only have we witnessed the most brutal match in living memory tonight, but we're going to see the return from retirement of Seto Kaiba, and the debut of a new female wrestler on the KCW stage. Isis Ishtar. This is just unbelievable."

"It's one historic event, Rex, that's for sure. Legacy, The Tombkeeper and Rishid Ishtar are clearing the ring, it seems Rishid Ishtar has The Tombkeeper under control now." Will sounded almost disappointed. In the ring, Isis had removed her dress to reveal a tight-fitting catsuit.

"Thank God for that. I don't want to know what might have happened. Do you think it's true, Will? That Isis Ishtar taught our very own Seto Kaiba his most powerful finishing move?"

"I sure hope not, because if it is, she won't have taught him everything she knows. If she can counter Obelisk, KCW might have a new owner by the end of tonight."

"That's a terrifying thought, Will. KCW in the hands of the monstrous Ishtar siblings. Seto Kaiba goes for the first blow, but Isis Ishtar's got hold of him. She's diving backwards and oh! That's Seto Kaiba's head being driven into the mat. He's trying for a pin now, he's definitely got the weight advantage, but she's a slippery one and I don't know how she did it but she's on top, she's squeezing him between those muscular thighs and if I was him, hell I'd let the referee count to three hundred if he wanted, but two's enough for a man of steel like Seto Kaiba."

"Control yourself, Rex. They're both on their feet now, Isis Ishtar is absolutely dominating this match, it's like she can see everything Seto Kaiba is going to throw at her. See the confusion on his face? He's climbing the ropes, sitting on the top turnbuckle, trying to evaluate his options, but she's coming right up after him. Is he preparing for the Obelisk?"

"Wow! Did you see that? That's not Obelisk, Will, that's a Dragonrana. One of Seto Kaiba's oldest moves. He's got Isis Ishtar pinned, and she's struggling, but he's still got it, that's the first move he's tried tonight that worked but it's the only one that needs to, and she's out on the third count. It's all over."

The two stood, Kaiba breathing heavily, Isis smoothing down crumples in the fabric of her catsuit. She picked up the microphone that had appeared at the edge of the ring. "I thank you, Seto Kaiba." She too was breathless from exertion. "I thank you for defeating me. You've shown me that destiny can be overcome, the student can surpass the master, and that strength lies in change. I beg of you, use that strength to help my brother."

"The Tombkeeper," Kaiba pronounced, standing tall and crossing his arms over his bare chest.

"He wasn't always this way. If you defeat him, he may return to me." Isis's voice shook a little.

"And KCW loses one of its best wrestlers? Not a chance." Kaiba sneered.

"Then, in exchange," Isis paused, fixing a grim stare on the Company's owner, "you get me."

A beat, and then, "I'll think about it," Kaiba growled, swinging out of the ring and picking up the discarded Championship belt.

"And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen," shouted Rex, excitedly. "Our next event, recently returned from retirement, Seto Kaiba, versus The Tombkeeper, Malik Ishtar. It's certain to be an explosive event and I hope you'll join us and our guest commentator, Pegasus J. Crawford, for the dramatic conclusion."

"It's a battle with Malik Ishtar's soul on the line, and Seto Kaiba's life. The highest stakes I've seen."

"Sure beats me and you battling for a prize wheel of cheese, Will."

"I'll have you remember I won that cheese, Rex."

"And you didn't share it, either."

* * *

><p>Backstage, it took Seto Kaiba quite some effort to peel off the trousers he appeared to be stuck into. He wasn't very presentably dressed when he answered the knock at the door, but that didn't seem to bother Isis as she slipped her arms around him.<p>

"How was my acting?" she asked, accent now the clipped vowels of the Oxbridge-educated.

"Terrible," responded Kaiba, smirking down at her. "'Destiny can be overcome'? What was that? And 'in exchange, you get me'?"

"Well, you did, didn't you?" Isis raised one slim eyebrow. "And you should shower."

"So should you," said Kaiba, holding an arm out invitingly.


End file.
